The Trickster's Lament
by Broken Twisted Lullabies
Summary: Gabriel, looking in the mirror at Elysian Fields, finally realized the monster he had become as Loki and sick and tired of everything, he decides to face off against his brother. He knew he'd die but if he could do one thing right for once in his long lived life, that was okay to him. (Takes place in 5.19 Hammer of the Gods)


**This is definitely one of the more interesting one-shots I've written about Gabriel, characterization wise. It's fairly angsty, but I loved writing it. Gabriel is one of my favourite characters to write due to how he isn't just a sneaky Trickster. He can be wrathful, just, cruel, righteous, as well as silly and fun. Both a good guy and a bad guy (Loki wasn't exactly nice in Norse mythology) so he definitely had a darker, more twisted side to his persona.**

 **I definitely recommend you listen to the YouTube video:** Gabriel / I just want it to be over Supernatural **(search this exact title and it's the first video to pop up!) That helped me with writing this fic and is a beautiful video! Any who, this is set between scenes in Hammer of the Gods, so I don't own any of the dialogue copied from the episode but enjoy!**

 **Also, I have a poll that you guys can vote on to decide which spn fanfiction I'll post next!**

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Gabriel appears in one of the many spare rooms in Elysian Fields, as far away as possible from the ball room and stumbles upon landing, legs feeling like jelly. It had been ages since he last used his wings to fly, having them tucked away in a separate pocket dimension for centuries but it wasn't that that caused him to stumble and lose his balance. It was the words still fresh in his mind, echoing through his vessel's skull. As much as he hated it, Dean Winchester was right. He couldn't kill his brother. He wouldn't be able to kill his brother and although he still cared about the gods back in the ballroom, the moment Lucifer would appear, they'd all stand no chance.

Somehow making his way to the bathroom, he collapsed in front of the toilet, dry heaving. Nothing came up but he still felt sick. Not only had he been stabbed by his ex – whom he still cared for, deep down – he was also being asked by Mr. Daddy-Issues Winchester to use his Archangel blade on the Devil, his older brother.

But it wasn't just fear that kept him from confronting his older brother, no it was also the fact Gabriel knew he couldn't win. It was a suicide mission and even if he did want to stop his brother, Lucifer could never be beaten – at least not by Gabriel – and facing his older brother, after all this time, sickened the ex-Messenger even more. Both of them had changed since their days in Heaven, both twisted and cruel in their own ways. The old Gabriel was long gone; having died the same day the Morning Star fell from grace.

Getting to his feet shakily, the gold winged angel makes his way to the sink, hands holding the marble counter top tightly to keep himself upright. Ragged breaths escape his lips and although he didn't need to breathe, it was something that he developed over the years, posing as Loki, and it helped calm him. Lifting his head, dull gold eyes stare at the reflection in the mirror, someone unfamiliar staring back at him. Gabriel could see the darkness in his reflection's eyes, along with the sorrow from millenniums of fighting between his brothers.

Trying to smile, it came out sharp and cold, lacking of any humour and it wasn't the smile of Gabriel, the Archangel, but Loki, the Norse Trickster. Looking deeper at the reflection of himself, Gabriel could see his true self flinting underneath the fragile skin of his vessel, warped from the pagan magic he had picked up and learned the grace inside him no longer pure and bright. Instead it was darker, cold to the touch and over all corrupted from seeing only the negativity of the world around him. Loki didn't care of the good deeds humans did. He didn't care if a homeless person who prayed to the Archangel Gabriel died from the harsh living conditions they faced.

No, he only payed attention to the rapists, the murderers, and bullies, those who were scum bags of the Earth and acted like the judge, the jury, and the executioner. As Loki, he gave them their "just desserts" to fit their crime. A distorted sense of justice served and after years of doing this, the righteousness and kindness that once lived in his grace diminished, pushed down and away because Loki wasn't kind. He wasn't honest and just, he didn't care about others and was selfish. So that's what Gabriel had become, the God of Lies, Mischief, and Chaos. The Trickster.

Doing this removed the innocence and purity he had from his days in Heaven, shaping the runaway Archangel into a sharp smiling, tricky snake who didn't care how many lives he ruined, the death toll at his feet or blood on his hands.

And looking in the mirror, Gabriel saw all of that.

It had only taken two small humans that would play a huge role in the Apocalypse to remove the wool from his eyes and see what he had become. The monster that was once God's most trusted Messenger.

The marble beneath him bent as Gabriel clung on tightly, breathing harshly and tears filled his gold eyes. Usually he'd push down such emotions, or if that didn't work, alcohol and sex did the trick. But now, he wept. He wept for the Father who betrayed him, the family he lost from war, the heartless monster he had become, the lonely nights where he filled his bed with scantily clad women – all of which he magicked up – and for everything else he had done and lost. No matter what he had done, Gabriel found everything only broke and fell apart at his feet, unable to be repaired. From old friends who either died or he parted ways with bloodily, the title as friend burning away to enemies or lovers whom left him heart broken and empty. Hell, his own children were suffering now because of him, locked away or dead due to the bastard known as Odin the All Father downstairs in the ball room. The little ones who didn't do anything wrong but were punished because of his actions. Gabriel could also name so many women and men he had trusted and gave everything to, only to watch what they had go up in flames and like everyone he had trusted before, left him more broken than before.

The tears just kept coming and when his arms finally gave away, Gabriel slid to the ground, bringing his knees up to his chest and buried his face in his knees. Much like when he was a young fledgling waking up from a terrible nightmare, he wrapped his six golden wings around his shuddering body, grace crying out at the lack of a second one. The grace of his older brother who would wrap him up in his snow white wings, holding him close until the sobs would subside. But rather than giving comfort, Gabriel only felt more grief and cries harder, the jeans he is wearing becoming damp at the knees.

Gabriel hated this; he hated what he had become and what he had done. Every life he had ruined, every heart he had broken and how rather than trying to save humans, he had killed them. (And looking back, he _knew_ that some of them could've changed their ways. They could've found the path to light once more but Gabriel hadn't allowed them that.)

Although it is only an hour or so, Gabriel felt like he has cried for years and slowly, the sobs subside to hiccups and he wipes away the tears. Swallowing, he stands and makes his way to the bedroom, spotting a small paper standee advertising Casa Erotica 13 and something in the back of his brain clicks. Picking it up, Gabriel remembered when he had overheard his Father and the Scribe talking about the Cage, just before Lucifer's fall. At the time, Gabriel had shrugged it off as useless information but looking back now, it didn't seem so useless.

He _couldn't_ kill his brother. But with the help of Sam, Dean and his baby brother Castiel, the three of them could trap Lucifer back in his cage – Gabriel knew he wouldn't make it out of this alive, but _they_ would. The three of them would stop what Gabriel never was able to stop and bite destiny in the ass.

And Gabriel didn't want to lock his brother back up, he couldn't even begin to imagine how horrible it was in the Cage, but the Trickster preferred that over losing yet another brother. So snapping himself a cheesy porno set identical to that in Casa Erotica 13, the ex-Archangel turned Trickster got to work.

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Gabriel could feel the chill of Lucifer's grace as he slipped inside the ballroom, DVD in hand.

 _"This isn't about some prize fight between your brothers. Or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family."_ Dean's words echoed in his head from when they had captured him back in the warehouse in Wellington, Ohio, and with a bitter chuckle, thought, 'If only you knew the truth, Dean.'

But even then, he still made his way stealthily towards the two Winchesters, thrusting the DVD into Dean's hands with a sad smile.

"Not really. Better late than never, huh?" He replied light heartedly to the question not directed to himself and could feel his grace humming nervously. "Guard this with your life."

And this was it. Gabriel had always run from his problems but this time, he knew he would have to stop running and face them. No way in hell was he gonna escape, but at least he could provide a distraction to get Sam and Dean out of here. And Kali too. She didn't need to be caught up in his family problems and suffer because of him. Not this time.

Willing his blade to appear, Gabriel made a realistic version of himself appear, throwing Lucifer through the doors. "Luci, I'm home," it said and Gabriel sat quietly, waiting.

Soon after, the Winchesters were escorted out with Kali and Gabriel took one last look at her, remembering all the good memories they had together. He loved her still, even after all the crap he had done to her and hoped she'd understand that him saving her meant he forgave her for stabbing him. Listening to the conversation, Gabriel felt his grace sink low as every chance he gave the Morning Star to stop his actions, to become his big brother once more were turned down.

'Please Luci,' he begged silently. 'Don't make me do this. Please let us stop all this and be brothers once more.'

But as Gabriel crept up behind his brother, listening as Lucifer refused to believe Gabriel would side with humanity of all things, the Messenger's grace stung with hurt.

"Damn right they're flawed. But a lot of them try. To do better, to _forgive_."

It had taken Gabriel too long to realize this, but trapped in the ring of holy fire, listening to his eldest brother's vessel rant on and on about destiny and cowardice as well as seeing Cassie willing to stand with them, he finally realized they were his Father's greatest creation. Where Gabriel only saw the bad in them, he missed the good inside as well and finally, the Trickster understood that there weren't two sides to this age old feud.

"Brother, don't make me do this." Gabriel noticed how tired Lucifer sounded as he got closer, knowing his older brother didn't like this fighting any more than he did but with one last chance to find the Lucifer he once knew, the illusion gave a sad smile.

"No one makes us do anything."

The words his older brother had uttered to him before he had fallen slipped out of the illusion's mouth and Lucifer stilled, looking a bit stiff. He had been caught off guard by the words that were so achingly familiar, even though it had been centuries since they were last said. It was one of the last things his brother had told him and Gabriel hoped this could stop Lucifer. That the Morning Star would remember all the good memories they once had together, remember their family and stop all this. That perhaps Lucifer would not want this Apocalypse to happen, the battle between two brothers, but Gabriel frowned as the Light Bringer continued to talk, recovering from his shock. It hadn't worked, Gabriel's last chance to avoid this and with a solemn face, lifted the blade above his head, ready to stab his brother.

'I'm sorry Luci.'

He had expected Lucifer to turn around but not for his brother to stab him. Disarm him, yes, but Gabriel's gold eyes widened as he met his brother's cold eyes. He knew it was over, his own blade buried in his chest and Gabriel could only gasp and choke as Lucifer leaned in closer, saying a few last words to him. The frantic buzzing of Gabriel's grace drowned out most of his brother's words and the ex-Archangel could only look up at his big brother with glassy eyes, mouth still open as he struggled to speak.

It was game over, no more second chances or aces up his sleeves. And Gabriel was okay with that because after everything he had done, this was his "just dessert", the karma the universe dished out to him after all the crimes he had done. He would die from the one who had raised him. So knowing this, he didn't fight back, even as his legs grew weak and tears threatened to spill. Grace buzzing to remind the Trickster that his time was running up, and Gabriel whimpered.

Everyone would always remember him as dying for humanity, for trying to redeem himself one last time for all the mistakes he had created before and truthfully, Gabriel had only stood on humanities side because they were all he had left to still believe in. To trust and remain faithful with.

For eons, the Archangel had put his faith in Heaven, in his Father and siblings, only to have his Father walk away and brothers turn on each other. The brothers and sisters he once had fell or died bloody, those remaining became stone like soldiers.

So he put his faith and trust elsewhere when he left. The pagan gods he joined became his new family and for a while, it lasted. Until they, like everyone else he had put his faith in, turned on him. Hell, the goddess he still loved after all this time had stabbed him, aiming to kill and if it weren't for Gabriel's quick thinking of making a fake blade, the Archangel would've died then and there.

Humanity was the last option he could turn to, to put his faith in even though they were wicked and cruel – he had seen first had how horrible they were, multiple times – they still held the ability to forgive and change. And that was what he clung to, the knowledge that they – specifically two brothers and their falling angel – could fix what Heaven had caused.

This was why he didn't feel betrayal as he looked into Lucifer's cold eyes. The Archangel, after being a Trickster for so long had become numb to betrayal and hurt, having faced it far too often. After all, that was one of the main causes of his departure. If Gabriel was being stabbed a couple years prior, feeling his own grace burning up inside him and knowing he was dying, the Archangel would've been pissed at Lucifer and Heaven. But he soon realized how far from Heaven the ex-Messenger had fallen and how dark and twisted he had become. Gabriel was beyond redemption, and he knew it. Even if his Father was still listening, watching over his children, Gabriel didn't want a second chance. He didn't feel he deserved a second one after everything he had done: killing humans, sleeping around, speaking blasphemy, becoming a pagan god, and being a coward. He became everything opposite than what he was created for.

"I'm sorry Gabby," Lucifer says as he twists the blade and Gabriel manages to choke out:

"I'm sorry too. I forgive y-"

But the grace inside him burns up; making Gabriel feel like he is on fire and a scream escapes his lips. Lucifer had been the first face he had laid eyes upon when they were first open, he was the first of his brothers to hold Gabriel in his arms when the Messenger was a fledgling and his protector. Lucifer was the one who cared for him, cheered him up, and comforted him when he was scared. Now, Lucifer would be the last thing those gold eyes would see, the last brother to hold him in his arms and rather than being the one who comforted and cared for Gabriel when he was hurt, the Morning Star would be the reason that he was hurt. And even as Gabriel's grace exploded inside him, burning away his six glorious wings to ash and flared outwards, the youngest Archangel never looked away.

The light from his grace soon filled his vision and with a small puff, it was snuffed out, leaving an empty vessel to fall to the ground.

Gabriel soon felt himself surrounded by warmth and it reminded the now dead Archangel of his home he once had. Whimpering and curling in on himself, the small Messenger didn't want to open his gold eyes because he didn't want to see what was on the other side. There was no Heaven for angels like there was for souls. He couldn't go to Hell either, no matter how bad his crimes were and this terrified the Archangel.

"Gabriel, open your eyes." The voice was warm and comforting and unable to refuse its words, Gabriel opened his eyes to find a scruffy looking man standing before him. Although the man looked mortal, like any other human his Father had created, Gabriel saw through the disguise. After all, hiding as someone you weren't for hundreds of years made you have a keen sense of sight.

"Father," he breathed, eyes widening and the being before him smiled, almost sad.

God took a step towards His son, watching sadly as Gabriel took a step back. "My little Messenger, how you have changed since I last saw you," He said.

"I-I'm sorry Father," Gabriel hung his head at his Father's words, knowing the meaning behind them. He had done things no angel should ever do and standing before his Father, Gabriel wanted to be angry, to yell and scream and tell Him how it was His fault that Gabriel had become like this, but he didn't. The youngest Archangel was tired of yelling and fighting, they always seemed to follow him everywhere he went and after watching it destroy his family, Gabriel didn't want be angry. "Please, Father, I am so sorry for everything I did."

"It is okay, little one. I forgave you for everything you had done just like I forgave your brothers. You were lost and scared little Messenger, wanting to escape the pain you carried from a home you were supposed to be safe in. None of this is your fault, Gabriel," He explained softly, moving closer to His youngest Archangel and Gabriel didn't shy away from his Parent this time. Instead, he rushed forwards, enveloping his Father in a hug.

"Yes, what you did was wrong but I have played a part in what you have done as well, leaving you and your siblings without any reason why," He said and Gabriel buried his face in his Father's clothes, eyes tearing up.

"I wanna go home," Gabriel whispered like a child once more and God sighed, wrapping His arms around His child. "I want my home and family back Dad."

"I know you do, my sweet Messenger. I know you do and I wish I could give you that."

And Gabriel knew his Father could fix this, give him back his older brothers but as angry as he was, Gabriel just enjoyed being in his Parent's arms, feeling safe, and small once more. So the two beings stood in silence – with the occasional sniffle from the younger one – in a place almost like Heaven, almost like the home Gabriel had lost and after all this time, Gabriel finally found himself at peace.

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 **I know both Gabriel and God were a bit different than how I usually write them, but I like to imagine that God/Chuck still cares about His children and isn't a dick to them, especially when they just died at the hands of their big brother. I always imagined that Gabriel, as Loki, became a darker and colder side/persona of the Archangel (thinking back to how he acted in _"Tall Tales"_ , _"Mystery Spot",_ and a teeny bit in _"Changing Channels"_ ) and Gabriel would always hate looking at himself in the mirror and seeing himself as Loki. It was kinda an idea I read from another fic yesterday using the phrase _"you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villain."_**

 **If Gabriel was a bit OOC for your liking, I'm sorry about that but for the purpose of the fic, that was how I wanted him to act and the reason he didn't get mad at his Father after dying was that he was tired of always being bitter and fighting, of hearing it, and because I had meant for my other fic, _"Why'd You Leave?"_ to have a happy ending and changed that, I gave my favourite Archangel/Trickster a happier ending in this one.**

 **Tell me what you guys think and don't forget to vote on my poll on my page to decide what fic you want me to post next (I've got too many to finish and you guys can choose which ones you want to read next!)**

 **-Ally**


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